Thursday, November 13, 2008

So mad at my husband, I can barely type!

I will usually try to keep the tone of this blog upbeat and positive, but I really need to vent about something and hopefully get some advice.

My husband recently lost his job (stupid US economy!), so I took on another job. My husband did not go to college and I did, so this just made logical sense since I can earn more. He now stays home with the baby, while supposedly looking for a part time job.

Well, he readily admits to me that he does nothing all day but watch the baby! I come home to find the house a mess, dishes and laundry not done, the cats not fed, etc. Here are some of the things he says he does during the day (other than watch the baby):

- Play video games,
- Watch TV, and
- Take a nap.

The "job of the day" is still working well, and he does do one or maybe two other small cleaning jobs, but I used to do so much more while I was home with the baby. So now, after working two jobs, I still need to wash all of the dishes, do all of the laundry, take care of our pets, and do all of the other "daily" type chores. I usually only get about 6 hours of sleep per night, while he gets his full 8, plus naps during the day! And he's doing nothing about finding a job!

I have tried making an emotional plea about how tired I am, about how much work I have to do, etc. This does not matter to him. I have tried making a list of all of the chores I do in a day, to compare to how much he does. This did not matter to him. I tried using a stopwatch that I started each time a started a chore, and stopped it each time I finished to record how much time I spent doing chores each day. This did not matter to him. He says that I work so much slower than him, so those times don't matter.

Any other ideas for how I can get through to him?

Thanks! Have a great weekend! I'm already looking forward to it! :)



Bobbie said...

Here is a thought. My son's an Aspie ans this is what I do for him. Mya work with your husband...if it does let me know I'm married to a tv/vidioe game player as well. Make a really short list. Colorful and nice. One of those, Oh I did not get to empty the diswasher or wash the dishes. Could you do this, also would you put the clothes from washer to dryer.
Maybe listing three thigngs a day will get him into a routine. He really must be bummed losing his job and may just need to refocus on his "role"

Kassiane said...


HAve you tried telling him flat out that his job is to do the house stuff? "I'm so tired" tends to invite, at least from me "Ok. Go take a nap?" because it's not saying what i can DO about it.

Anne said...

Millions of women want an answer to this question ... if you find something that works, please let us know! (Almost kidding, you guys.)

DJ Kirkby said...

I am sorry, I can't suggest anything becuase I wouldn't be able to deal with this situation at all, I would just pack mine and the baby's stuff and elave!

David N. Andrews MEd (Distinction) said...

Bobbie's comment is probably the most useful here. It recognises the fact that losing one's job can have a very devastating effect on a person, and in fact lead to serious (possibly intractible) depression if something supportive isn't done quickly to prevent it.

Much as it is hard to end up taking on two jobs, it is also hard on someone when a major role in their life is removed (and there seems no hope of returning to that role or getting another one to replace it).

More than refocussing, this man's new priority is creating himself another role and he is going to need help, not threats.

Well done, Bobbie.

AspieMama said...

Thanks for your thoughts and insights. Things are getting better. It's been hard to find the right balance of being supportive and not putting up with being treated that way. I appreciate all of your opinions on this issue. Have a great weekend!


Anonymous said...

Obviously, I don't know the full details of your marriage, but a game of one upmanship where you show all the things you do and compare it to what he does, as well as comparing times it takes you two to do a task, is not likely to help your marital happiness or get your husband to help any more. I was recently out of work for 8 months that should have been 2 months (unfortunately, my Asperger's syndrome left me vulnerable to employment discrimination) and it was a very vulnerable time for me. Similarly, I would be inclined to ask if your husband has similar self-esteem problems at the moment.

On the other hand, I empathise with you. Having Asperger's syndrome brings challenges and I agree that having an out-of-work spouse who doesn't contribute to running the house can make life less pleasant, particularly if he has lost his direction in life and you are all of a sudden having to play a life coach.

DJ Kirkby, I think the idea of walking out on a loving father and depriving him of his child just because you don't think he does enough housework is absolute malice. I would never entertain the idea of doing something as malicious as that because I know I would have to give an account to God for my actions on the Day of Judgement.

AspieMama said...

Hi Anonymous, I hope you don't think that I was trying to "one up" my husband or trying to imply that I'm better than him because of the work I do. He is simply a person that is very logical and interested in justice, so I thought this was a good impartial way to point out the inequality of how much work is done.

Thanks for your comments. :)


Cube Demon said...

Aspie Mama

In addition to what Bobbie, Kassiane, Dr. Andrews, and everyone else has said he may be having problems knowing exactly what needs to be done and how to do the things to achieve the results you desire.

I'm an recently diagonised aspie myself and I have major problems doing housework myself. I need to be shown how to do it.

Cube Demon said...

Aspie Mama

Do you have any tips for doing housework because I sure can use them? Thank You.

Cube Demon